Faking it, or Making it?

polaroids and beer, a photo by Lillput on Flickr.

So, a while back I started a blog post saying that I was cripplingly shy. I meant it. I honestly believe I am...or rather, that I was.

But much more recently (about a month ago, in fact) I had a sudden realisation that I'm not shy any more. Or at least I don't act like a shy person any more.

Over the last few years several people have said they're surprised to hear me describe myself as shy as I don't come across that way. I always counter with a smile that I'm good at faking it.

I have no knowledge of the psychology of shyness and whether it's something that you always have - like blue eyes - or whether it's a state of mind you can be trained out of.

All I can say is that a month ago I had a business-ish meeting with a couple of guys who run a comedy club I attend from time to time in Hitchin, with S. S has known one of the guys since he was a young lad and he was supposed to be accompanying me to the meeting to effect introductions. I was secure in the knowledge that he would break the ice and all would be well. And then S contracted flu and was too ill to come with me. There was no option but to go it alone.

I sat in the bar waiting for the guys to arrive (I'm always early) and I realised, all of a sudden, that I wasn't nervous at all. I guessed they probably wouldn't recognise me but I knew what they looked like and I had no qualms about leaping up and introducing myself if needs be. Wait...I'll just run that past again...not nervous and no qualms. Weird.

In fact, one of the guys recognised me and the meeting time flew by as we had a very pleasant and helpful nattering session.

The next evening we were due to attend the comedy club itself with the usual group of four blokes...
I'd met them all a couple of times before but I can't say I really know them. Nevertheless I went and met them and spent a cheery hour or so in their company, again not feeling in the least concerned.

At the weekend, the plan had been to pop up to Peterborough for an away match. S insisted that I still go so that his usual matchday buddy had some company. I know MP reasonably well and so this was always going to be an easier sell than the other outings but even so...the only thing I was in the least apprehensive about was finding my way to the pub where we had agreed to meet. As it was I had a really enjoyable day. Yes, of course I missed S's company, but that's not the same as not enjoying something because you're shy.

Since then I've booked a working weekend in Eastbourne to work on a potential project...moreover, I did so without any regard for whether I'd go on my own or be accompanied.

Feels like I've come a long way since I fretted for an afternoon about going to a pub on my own in Marazion when I was really gagging for a beer but had to be coached and coaxed, by email, by TD, before I would.

Don't get me wrong - I'd still avoid parties and certain other social occasions like the plague but that could easily be because I simply don't enjoy smalltalk or loud rooms.

However, I'm genuinely interested to know whether I'm not as shy as I was...or whether I've just got some better strategies for coping with it.

I also wonder whether other people who look like they're confident and happy in the company of strangers are, in fact, just doing the same as me...because I can't shake the feeling that for me it's still so much smoke and mirrors.

Then again, the fact that life's a little less stressful, and I'm less likely to avoid activities that I'll ultimately get on fine with is the main thing and maybe the wondering why is over-analsying (what me? Surely not).