I don't feel the urge to blog anything like as frequently as I used to. Nor to write in the journal in my bedside table, nor to take photographs.
I enjoy writing, and I love photography but just now, they're not imperatives for me. I realised that I needed to do those things before but at the moment they don't have that same hold over me.
More than anything, I've realised that my mind has calmed itself a lot. I used to walk for hours and take photographs because the concentration that photography requires shuts outs all other thoughts and stops the "what ifs" and "what next" thoughts from spinning out of control.
Along with this, my urge to read is returning (currently "The Book of Dave" by Will Self) as is my desire to cook properly...even just for myself. To the extent of making my own wheatflour tortillas to go with the chilli I took out of the freezer because I couldn't be arsed to cook.
I've been musing on this change for a few days and wondering why.
My life certainly isn't any more settled than it's been for the last few years. I haven't got religion, gone vegan or started meditating.
Of course, there have been changes - mostly incremental things - in my life. I see more of some people, and less of others as their lives and circumstances change too. Of course, there's S who entertains me on a regular basis: dragging me up hills, forcefeeding me beer, widening my musical appreciation and carrying my camera bag for me as well as making the best steak and kidney pudding in the northern hemisphere.
...and this is the key, of course, it's incremental change over...TIME.
Change takes time to adjust to. I must admit I thought that the "adjustment" was about getting used to sleeping on my own in the house, learning how to change tap washers, taking responsibility for chopping wood and stuff like that.
But I'm learning it's more subtle than that.
2011's was a good year: seeing new places, meeting new people, doing new stuff and remembering what it was like to enjoy old things with new people, and on my own.
2012 promises to give me more change, more challenges and more fun. I'm looking forward to it hugely.
I hope that anyone reading this who's had an unpleasant change wrought upon them can take a bit of heart from the probability that things will get better and sometimes you've gotta dig in and ride the shit out.
Yep, there are bloody difficult hills you have to climb...but when you get some encouragement the view can be worth it.
Bring it on.
x
.
