The Usualness of Unusualness

A long time ago (I was about 16 at the time, so practically aeons ago, in fact) I was the only one amongst my regular group of friends with both parents married to each other.

My ma said "I expect you're glad that you're the only one with a normal family".

Being something of a pedant, even then, I pointed out that it might be considered to be more "normal" to be a child of divorced parents, since the numbers kinda stacked up that way.

My ma took comfort from the idea of "normal"...I didn't.

It's been dawning on me that my circle of friends, as it has widened, has become less "normal" (by my ma's definition, not mine) and as my range of companions has become more diverse, I have felt more at ease with myself.

As I've met more people I've stopped worrying whether or not they'll think I'm a bit odd for being bookish, geeky, lacking the housework gene and refusing to wear grown up shoes. Don't get me wrong, some people I meet undoubtedly think I am odd...it just doesn't really bother me any more.

At the zoo the other day, one of the most well balanced, sanest, funniest people I've met tells me how they'd had a troubled teenage. "How come?" I ask... "Small village. Gay" V replies, in a matter of fact way.

I have to admit I'd almost forgotten that being gay was anything other than reasonably usual - yeah, I'm straight, but so many of my friends aren't that I barely notice it any more. It brings me up short.

Then I realise that's exactly what I like about the people I spend time with. Diversity.

In interests, in skills, in living circumstances, in sexuality, gender and gender identity, in age and size, in background in occupation...

How could I fail to be comfortable with this lovely bunch of folk who only ask me to turn up and be me?

How lucky am I?


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Pointing at the Glass Ceiling

So - I'm now an unemployed person...or, officially, a self-employed person.



I've spent the last couple of weeks regrouping and with my business partner, TD, sorting out the legalities of our company.



We have a lot of hard work to do to get our potential clients to learn about us and to take us sufficiently seriously to actually employ us.

It's gratifying that everyone I've explained the idea to - from the bank, to friends, to a Businesslink advsor - thinks it a wonderful plan. But these are not the people we need to convince.

Fortunately, 50% of the company directors has a lot of experience in the industry. The other 50% is less well endowed with knowledge of architecture, landscaping and construction.

The other slight disadvantage I have is, let's not put too fine a point on it, that I'm a woman.

Back in the day (in the late 80's) I was full of rage with how badly women were treated in the workplace. Insurance wasn't the most sexist industry to be in but even so the number of women in senior management jobs was vanishingly small.

As I moved away from the operations side of things towards working with IT folk it became more noticeable that it was hard to be taken as seriously as my male colleagues.

It's a simple fact that there are fewer women working in IT disciplines than there are men. It was the same at school and in my studies for my degree. I can't opine, with any authority, as to whether it's nature or nurture.

What I can say is that in my relatively limited experience that women in IT management-type roles tend to play one of two parts. They either get down and dirty with the boys or they turn into bitch-queen and shriek their staff into submission.

I'm a down and dirty kinda gal. I mean, I've been a geek my entire life. Nevertheless, you are received with a mixture of suspicion and patronizing tones, quite often.

Towards the end of my career in insurance, I totally forgot that there had ever been a time when I wasn't respected by my male colleagues for my ability and knowledge. I could walk into a meeting and be taken seriously.

BW is a network engineer. He says that women have to be at least twice as good to be taken seriously in the industry. It makes him angry. BW is a rarety, I believe.

I can't imagine that the industry I'm moving into that I'll have an easier time of persuading the some of the men I'll have to work with that I've anything to contribute. I will have to work damned hard to get enough understanding and technical knowledge to bridge my credibility gap.

I fully expect to have to be at least twice as good as I would need to be if I didn't wear a bra...

So I could bleat on about it. I could rage against the injustice. Or I can just suck it up and prove that women can perform well in these sorts of jobs.

Maybe the more of us do that and the fewer of us whine on "Woman's Hour" about how hard life is, the quicker it'll be the norm to take us seriously.

Wish me luck, eh?

Oh, and wish TD luck - he's got the job of educating me sufficiently to not let him down.

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Readjustment

It's all been rather a whirl since I finished work. A couple of work-related social engagements; Christmas shopping and a school reunion.


I've had no time to miss my old job. Actually, it just feels like I've not been in for a couple of days.

M asks if I feel OK about it. I'm non-committal.

The seminal moment for me was at the school reunion...or should I say, an informal gathering of people who went to the same school.

This is the second such meet-up in about as many months. This time there were a few more people, including someone I used to hang out with, and play music with. It's been 27 years since I've seen him.

We sit and chat. 27 years pretty much drop away as we catch up with what we do now and how it relates to how it was then.

Wandering off and talking to other people was pleasant and polite. I suck at smalltalk but we all got by.

Once I got home, still smiling from the pleasant evening, I realised that none of us had changed all that much.

The popular girls were still the popular girls. The outsiders were still on the edge a little but the differences were a lot less marked. I still found the guys a little easier to chat to than the girls.

What struck me is that the difference for me is that I no longer care that much whether or not I fit someone else's definition of "normal".

It was a timely realisation in that the one school friend I kept in touch with told me her teenage daughter seems to be having a bit of rough time of things - and it seems to be in part to do with the pressure to conform.

Today I go out with my business partner for a survey trip for work. We've been pals for a couple of years and part of the reason I find him easy to be with is his lack of coventionality. He's told me that he didn't really fit in at school either.

It was a pleasant afternoon. A coffee, a sandwich in the car...a drive, a look at some land, some photos, no hidden agendas, no subterfuge. Just a couple of mates doing some work.

My 16 year old self wouldn't believe I could do this. My 22 year old self was striving but failing to fit in so much that she wouldn't have even seen the opportunities.

This 46-year old says that you know who the real friends are. The ones who love you just for you are. Who, even when you're pissing them off, would never ditch you for someone else just because someone else "better" or "more interesting" came along.

Despite the uncertainty I have in my life at the moment, I've never had so many real friends. 27 years seems like a long time to learn what's important...and no time at all.


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The view from up here

So...there we go.

27 years in the financial services industry ends with a low key presentation (at my request) and a quiet exit with a few hugs.


Some conniving by a couple of colleagues with an ex-colleague/friend with an entirely un-work-related friend (through the magic of Facebook) sees me with a gift token from my camera provider of choice.

Messages flow in, people pop to my desk to see me...promises to see me at the pub on Thursday. All saying I'll be missed.

I have a note from the department boss - low key, appreciative & understanding of my reasons for leaving.

So just remind me again why I'm doing this?

It no longer fits. It's difficult to get passionate about financial services. It's very important, it provides a vital safety net for people...hell, I've even been on the receiving end of the benefits and I can attest to the peace of mind it gives.

But passion?

Nah...

I didn't leave to do something else specific...I left because I needed to leave.

I guess all of this started with the loss of "Idiot Boy". Suddenly I needed to look around me again and take stock.

I suspect this is the natural culmination of having more time to look around at things and think; more new people to be inspired by and seeing the world again with new eyes.

It's not all good and it's not all bad. It just is.

The question remains..."any regrets?"...

The answer is that I don't really do regrets - and haven't for about 20years...regrets are largely pointless.

This might all go horribly wrong but a wiser man than I said "I'd much rather think that didn't work, having tried it than I wish I'd tried..."

So thank you all I've worked with and for over the last 27 years. Thank you everyone contributed to my leaving gift - and for the connivers SK, JAF, MD and TD for getting it just right. Thank you to "the boss" for respecting wishes with just enough pushing of boundaries.

Thank you for all the friends and family who didn't say "how stupid are you?" but instead said "Go for it".

Oh, and thank you my new business partner for grunting the words "it'll not happen unless you're involved" over coffee one day...

Here's to all the frustrations and difficulties ahead...


x

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The geek shall inherit the earth

It won't come as a surprise to anyone reading this who knows me but at all...

I'm a geek.

Meeting people and making small talk is most definitely not my forte. I'm always anxious if I know about it in advance. In fact, I used to avoid it altogether if I could.

These days, I make more of an effort and most of the time the effort is well worth it (we'll leave aside a couple of cringe inducing incidents, shall we?)

So yesterday, the combined desire to get somewhere new to look at taking some stock photos and to meet up with someone with whom I've shared the odd email, tweet and Flickr comment saw me on the train (and replacement bus service) to Birmingham.

I have to say, Brum is a place I only travel through and would never have considered as a destination so when M lists some of the places I might consider looking at I have to re-evaluate.

I arrive at New Street and locate M...or rather, he locates me.

Naturally, first stop is coffee/tea and I fear my lack of ability to talk about the weather, Big Brother and whatever else is often a good common starting place will hamper flowing conversation. I needn't have worried...

M is a programmer. We were soon geeking away like old pals. His enthusiasm for his work is apparent and once again I'm envious of anyone who is so caught up in what they do to pay the bills.

Then we have a wander around the city. I am transfixed by the place. Far from dingy tired image I had of it, I got the impression of a lively and vibrant place.

We stroll down to the delightful "Gas Street Basin" a regenerated part of the inner city canal system. The place is clean and tidy without being sterile. The bridges and brickwork are original but not looking tired. James Brindley would have been pleased, I think.

It's possible that there was some canal geekery on my part at this point. I make no apology for it but I probably got nearly to seal-clapping territory and I forced M to listen to me enthuse about the Pontcysyllte Aqueduct.

Fewer pictures were taken than I'd planned but I'm perfectly content to wander and chat and then go and drink more coffee.

Over coffee we chat about how neither of us have lifestyles that would be considered entirely conventional - I mean, we spend our time happily fiddling with bits of machinery, taking photographs and chatting to people on the internet. We also agree that we like it that way - golf and car obsession being largely over-rated, an all.

It was very, very relaxing to not have to spend time feeling the need to explain away some of the aspects of my life in the way I so often do.

I did squeeze a few minutes "new" work into the day but mostly it was about good company and strolling and looking at a new city. A city I'll undoubtedly return to because it's clearly got a lot of photographic potential.

A big win all round for me...

Thanks M


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The meeting of two minds

At the moment the perpetual question from friends, family and colleagues is

"So, how are you feeling about leaving work?"

With about a month to go until my last day in the industry I've spent the last 27 years in...I would say I'm in two minds.

Mind one says "can't wait" and mind two says "Holy crap! What have you done?????"

Mind two had been winning.

Then a week or so ago, TD makes a suggestion to kick start the business proposition we'd been steadily working up for the last couple of months. What followed is a flurry of actvity to get from almost a standing start to a point where we almost have an organization to work within.

I've learned about domains, webhosting, HTML, limited companies vs LLPs, VAT, corporation tax, and, and...

It's all been a bit of a blur.

Voice one got a little louder in my interview at the local Business Links office. As I explain to the advisor what it is we're trying to do, I see that I've made myself understood...and he thinks it's a great idea.

I'm even surprised, when he asked me some pertinent "feasibility" type questions, that they are questions I've already asked and we have answers for.

Then today TD and DM come round to my place for a discussion about another potential project. Listening to two of my favourite people enthuse over design, and architecture and stuff like that is a treat in itself. Then they include me in the conversation like I have something to contribute beyond nailing them down for dates and agreeing who does what. Bliss.

It was hard work and, damn it all, this is the weekend. But if this is what work can be like - at least some of the time - then bring it on.

As I sit here fiddling some more with website stuff I barely understand, and trying to get more soon-to-be-work stuff going voice two ain't getting a look in.



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Small Acts of Kindness

Picture by
Mike Stimpson








There has been a theme in my life over the past couple few days - I have been knocked out by people performing small (and large) acts of kindness in my direction.

Last Thursday GJ emails me in advance of the monthly Flickrmeet which was a little more far afield than usual - and in a place where some people (women?) might feel nervous to walk on their own on a darkening evening. He asks if I would like company for the journey.

After the meet, I was content to get a bus hom and was waiting at the stop when PG, another one of the Flickrfolk offered me a lift. Knowing that it was a fair bit out of his way I thanked and declined the offer whereupon he declared that he was perfectly capable of standing in the road and arguing to the point I'd miss the bus. So, I accept the offer.

Today is my birthday and although I keep forgetting and generally don't pay it much heed, other people have been more attentive. I had cards from the usual people who send me cards but also from CJ, who doesn't generally do the whole remembering of anniversaries thing. TD finds me some wholly inappropriate YouTube clips to send me despite the fact he's stressed and rushed off his feet.

My closest friends (they are also my neighbours) can't think what to get me for my birthday and so take me out to a comedy gig and for a meal...much the nicest way to mark the occasion.

Several emails, SMS messages, Tweets and messages on Facebook...including one from someone I've never met but we comment on each other's pictures - it's his picture at the top of the page and I haven't smiled so broadly for quite some time because it's a rendition of me taking a photograph that he liked in my photostream.

What's my point?

That in a world of people and businesses where human interraction is getting rarer, and where the Daily Mailists out there insist the World's going to hell in a handcart, and the Internet is a Bad Thing full of Bad People, it's heartening to know how people there are out there who still make the effort to be thoughtful and caring. Small kindesses which make a huge difference.

Thank you everyone...



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