Plans and Expectations

A while ago now (more than a year, in fact) I blogged on the subject of life plans.

There's been a fair bit of soul-searching - no, wait, that sounds far too dramatic and angst-wridden...errrr...'musing' probably fits the bill a little better - on this subject of late.

Since I wrote that blog-post my life has changed yet again. This time entirely my doing.

These days, instead of bickering about whether The Fall are a work of genius or of a misreable and derranged mind, TD and I are far more likely to exchange our daily emails on the subject of our company's literature and website.

I've learned a little about XHTML and CSS and too little about Javascript.

Even compared with this time last year, I'm far less likely to be freaked out by having to meet someone, for business or pleasure, for the first time - I've done it so much that I can sometimes kid myself I'm even getting good at it (I'm not, of course, but my fakery is getting more convincing)

I can talk about s106 agreements, stormwater drainage attenuation and the implications for property owners willing to let an arts organization use their empty shop for a while. What's more, I can almost sound convincing about it...well, if you don't listen too hard and if you squint a bit.

I honestly think that the work TD and I are doing is important and engaging and is an idea coming of its time. Even if we get no work from it, the idea was visionary and something to be proud of. So we plug away with developers and authorities and with the media to try and make the urban environment more pleasant and inclusive.

I have about another 9 months before I seriously have to be making enough money to pay my bills. It would also be nice to splurge on something frivilous, too (a new lens for my Leica, or a skeletal cello, perhaps), but that's very low down in the list of Important Things.

So I might sound like a 'woman with a plan' again. Actually, no.

The last plan I had was wholly derailed by something over which I had no control. So I'm loathe to shape my life expectations to things that can be so easily fucked-over.

My nature is to be a shaper of things, not a visionary. This is why the TD/me combo works so well. Well, I think it does - you'd have to ask TD if he felt the same.

My nature is also to be an analyst and to pick apart who said what and who did what and what that might mean for whatever...thus you'd think I'd have a very clear idea of what I want from work, life and for everything else.

Again, no.

I'm relaxing into the idea that whilst sometimes having very clear ideas of what you want from life can give you something to strive for - possibly even to live for - that not having a pre-supposition can be kinda fun.

Everything from watching a pal chuckle like a kid because he's found that the points on an old railway line still work, from having a spontaneous coffee or beer with a mate you've not seen for a while and just catching up; to playing with the two-year old daughter of a friend for whom the future is the next 25 seconds can be pleasures in and of themselves.

I'm still uncomfortable when I don't have a reasonable idea of what's going on with stuff (and to be honest, that's usually people-stuff)...but instead of instantly trying to nail it down or bend it to my will, I'm much more likely to shrug and go with it for a bit.

Don't think, for a minute, that I'm now 100% satisfied with my life. There are things I love about my living on my own and things I hate. I enjoy being time rich...whilst being cash poorer has taken some adaptation. I relish the flexibility that comes with working for my own company - but there are challenges in not having "staff who do that" that need to be faced.

I think the most important lesson in the last few years has been that opening yourself to possibilities that are not too closely tied to convention is as scary as a gigantic house-spider but a hell of a way to have fun.



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