"You're not, like, a real woman, are you?", says DrC once.
When I raised a quizzical eyebrow he hurredly sought to undo the insult he felt he'd just levelled at me.
"No...no...what I mean is, you're not very feminine..."
He looked at my face which pretty much asked whether I should take his shovel away.
With one final attempt to get over his meaning without being rude to his friend he grasps at "You're not very girlie"
He thus reaches the appropriate compromise and he finally stops digging.
The reason that "idiot boy" and I got together, ultimately, was that at the age of 21 (more years ago than I choose to admit) I had my own computer and printer.
He was impressed by any girl that geeky that she had her own computer kit.
That was the opener and despite different taste in many things, and some very different interests, it turned out we were a good fit.
He liked that I had no time for Jimmy Choos (in fact he would have had little better idea than me what they are) and that instead of wanting a moderately expensive piece of jewellery for my birthday, I craved an extremely expensive cello.
Weirdly, though, in this house we pretty much fit the stereotypical male/female split of duties:
Me: Washing, ironing (rarely), cooking, food shopping, clothes shopping, cleaning the toilets, choosing plants for the garden, booking holidays and packing, understanding mortgages and pensions.
Him: Plumbing, electrics, lawn mowing, bins, heavy work, digging, paying bills, and managing the bank account...oh, and buying and maintaining the computers.
Yep, that's right, despite our initial "attraction" being partly related to my skill with a computer, I lapsed into "user" mode and let him fix stuff for the most part.
So, last Friday, when at 8pm I was cleaning a washbasin and the hot-tap washer failed in a catastrophic way...I was completely bereft of ideas.
What I wanted to do was call for help...that or lie down and have a good cry.
What I actually did was curse Idiot Boy for not being here; fetch several tools that I was preparing to give away on the grounds I'd never use them and consult some reading matter on the subject of taps.
I Tweeted and emailed and got some encouragement and advice.
I priced up an emergency plumber (£200), then dismantled the tap which had a number of seized parts, and then the next day went and bought a suitable washer and effected the repair with, in the end, a minumum of hassle.
Having done it, I have mixed feelings.
Initially I felt quite proud and I got a couple of "well done you" messages from male friends.
Idiot Boy would have merely suggested that, obviously, I was capable of doing it and he would have expected as much. (He would also have been quietly pleased that his girl was no girlie)
But there is a nagging feeling that sometimes perhaps I should, or would like to, be more "girlie" so that I better fit the mould in a society where girls don't often drink pints, know more about Linux than they do about Gucci or fix their own tap washers.
Thing is, I never thought of myself as a conformist...
.
Maybe there's some common ground here. It took me a long time to gain enough confidence to put on my overalls and tinker around under the car and wander into Millard's Auto Parts with mucky hands without feeling horribly insecure and hating it. And in practical mode, I do get occasional twinges of angst about not being sufficiently well-presented, especially when mingling with women who *are* well-presented. And worry that I am not v good at girl things. And so on.
ReplyDeleteI wonder how common it is, though? -I suspect that there is a social construct about maleness being the norm, and femaleness being performance. "Why can't a woman be more like a man?" as the song says...
Hey - don't even think about changing (not that I think you really are).
ReplyDeleteNot all fellas like their ladies dolled up to the nines - I certainly don't care for it. Not to say that what us chaps like should dictate what you do.
But then, I always fancied Mum should dress more like Yvonne when I was younger because I thought Yvonne was cool.
@Dru It's odd, isn't it? Sometimes the thing that makes us who we are makes us the most insecure. Like James says, we shouldn't think about changing.
ReplyDelete@James: You're right, of course...we shouldn't let what other people may or may not think about us dictate what we are.
I'm not really thinking that I should change - but it intrigues me that at a point when I should have have been almost smug...I had this odd rush of insecurity. Curious.