"I don't know what your father and I had in common", Ma muses during my visit to her last week.
She then proceeds to list all the things that she and my father didn't agree on, or didn't have in common. She was right, it was a fair old list.
Nevertheless their marriage lasted for well over 50 years and ran the full "till death us do part" course, as it had set out to do.
Despite all differences, ours was a happy family and my sister, brother and I were brought up in an atmosphere of mostly unspoken love and utmost security.
My own relationship of 20 some years was founded on a mutual love of geekery - but outside of that, were I to examine it, there wasn't all that much that we shared - at least not obviously.
Musical taste was very different - when we got together the only two LPs we had in common were a very obscure album of Bach music transcribed for a Belgian guitarist, and Bronski Beat "Age of consent". He liked Glass, Anderson, Gabriel, Byrne. I liked Queen, Fleetwood Mac, Bach, more Bach.
Literature - he: Larry Niven, Jerry Pournelle, Arthur C Clarke. Me: Christopher Brookmyre, Michael Crichton, Jasper Fforde.
He: Indian. Me: Chinese.
Me: Blue. Him: Green.
The more I think about it, the more difference I can find. And yet...and yet...we meshed.
I've been musing about the differences between my close friends and I - those people I spend most time with, those I email and Twitter to. About all the things that separate us: age, background, profession, musical taste, style of photography, political leanings, film preferences, play preferences, whether hills are good or evil, well you get the gist.
Then I spent a chunk of my weekend taking pictures at some events for Refugee Week. This put difference in some context, and witnessing an unfortunate incident on the bus did so still more.
I realised that I like being introduced to new things, I love being shown the world through someone else's eyes - I like that I don't always agree with my friends. It gives us something to debate.
OK, I miss my friends getting my slightly obscure references to science fiction films ('ah, he wears it desert-style') and programmes but it's really a small thing.
I try and explain to one friend how I've been feeling. He wisely points out that core values are the important thing.
Today another friend, who is going through a fair bit of soul searching herself says the self same thing.
My life is better for being introduced to new things. It always was (25 years ago I had no idea how to solder things) and I should remember that.
Difference is far less important in friendships that the things that bind us.
.
I remember some Greek writer or possibly philosopher theorising that before there were men and women there were single creatures that then got split in two and then they go around looking for the other bit that fits them. As it were. So good relationships are based on complimentarity rather than identicalness.
ReplyDeleteBloody silly Greek philosophers :-)
The title reminds me of "plus ca change, plus c'est la meme chose", but it's different isn't it?
That one person "completes" another is a common expression. One that I don't usually care for.
ReplyDeletePartly the cliche, partly the antipathy to the idea that anyone needs their existence to be validated by being in a relationship with another person.
Nevertheless, in some ways it rings true in the case of me and the boy.
Maybe they philosophers weren't completely wrong, eh?
Maybe it's not so much need, though...as want.
yes, I cringe at the idea of neediness, but I like the idea of concordia discors. Within reason of course.
ReplyDeleteUnspoken love and utmost security - two ideals that we hope to provide and receive - the effect of which is spectacularly underrated in importance in today's family relationships at all levels.
ReplyDeleteBit deep for a Friday pm - will get back to my grumpy old lady (preachy-cushioned) seat!!