What is happiness?

M had a bit of a moment, yesterday. Everything she's going through at the momemt clearly piled on top of her and for a moment it became unbearable.

We played hooky for a bit and went and had a cup of tea.

We chatted about emotional things, about practical things, about personal things and about how things might turn out for her, for me, for her kids, for others...

Then she asked a question that stopped me dead in my tracks.

"but are you able to feel happy, these days?".

She probably wanted reassurance that, at some point, she would again be happy, and maybe my past and present would give her some reassurance about her future. That and fulfilling her role for the last couple of years as great friend and monitor of my mental health.

I'm not a great one for platitudes and I think M knows that...so I assume she was after some measure of honesty.

Not wholly content, I concede. My life ran away and changed and I have probably been trying to track it down again. At some point, I'll sort myself out a replacement life, until then I'm kinda stumbling around trying things for size...

But happy in moments. Coffee and a natter on my back step; tea and sympathy in Starbucks; photography in a park with a friend; photography at an event on my own; dinner and an episode of the Sopranos with the neighbours; trips to Scotland in planning; having new reading glasses and the prospect I might be able to start reading in bed again; being greeted by an enthusiastic border collie; being taught something I don't already know; the list is virtually endless.

At these times the old sadness takes a back seat, stops being in control. Then I realise that these moments are not once a week moments, but several times each day.

How could I not be happy with this much to be happy about.

So, M, I know you read this from time to time. The actual answer to the question you asked me is "Yes" but just not 100% of the time. Then again, I never was happy 100% of the time.

...you will be happy again.


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