The difference between empathy and knowledge

Bit of an mind opening experience this week.

A long conversation on the phone with a friend. We live a long way apart so we don't get to generally natter over a coffee or a pint very often.

Recently both of us have been feeling a bit blah. For me, the work to clear space and dispose of old stuff had taken its toll.

A stuffed koala, made by me a long, long time ago had me in a crumpled heap on Sunday afternoon. By Tuesday, it was just a soft toy with a couple of associated memories that made me smile.

WTF?

Whilst telling myself it was probably normal, I couldn't truly shake the feeling that I should have got beyond this point by now or that this was not a normal reaction.

I explain this to my friend.

"I know what you mean", he says.

He doesn't mean 'I can imagine how that feels, and isn't it awful'. He means he felt like that last week, yesterday or possibly 2 hours ago.

We chat about stuff for a while longer.

I feel the tension slipping out of my shoulders and I look at the koala and smile. Now I know I can put it in the spare room and not think I'm mawkish or stupid.

Don't get me wrong - I've lots of friends who will happily support me through the bad times. They give me a hug, they give me beer or coffee and they empathise with me. They have helped me in my lurching from highs to lows to highs again.

But until the conversation on Wednesday, it hadn't struck me what a huge difference knowledge and shared experience makes.

Furthermore, it finally explains to me why my best chemistry teacher wasn't the one who was the most brilliant. When I didn't understand the concept of the mole he patiently and sweetly explained and re-explained it to me without once getting impatient...and yet I always knew that deep down he had no idea why I found it so difficult.

The teacher who had clearly struggled with his own development in the field proved to be a much more effective teacher because he knew what it was like to struggle with a concept and in passing that side of his knowledge on, allowed me to relax and learn without feeling I was in some way uniquely stupid.

It's a paradox - you wouldn't wish the difficulties you're suffering upon anyone else and yet their suffering eases yours and you hope that yours helps them.

Nothing I can do about it other than be grateful for a friend who understands. Thanks.


.