Leap of Faith

Several people I know don't like heights. They say that when they get close to a drop they have an inexplicable urge to jump. They're not suicidal...they're just frightened they'll take the leap...just to see what it feels like.

I felt like that on the way to work this morning. An inexplicable urge to quit.

I don't normally work on Fridays so today was unusual and had messed with my perception of how the week works...but I don't think it was that.

I've got some interesting work to occupy me at the moment; some colleagues were coming to Bristol for the day and I was looking forward to catching up with them. So it wasn't the prospect of the actual work that faced me.

Since I was widowed some 22 months ago I've found it increasingly hard to see work as anything other than a means to pay my bills.

On Wednesday evening a friend and I went to a community meeting for the local carnival. We were offering our services as volunteer "official" photographers.

We were graciously received; we were made to feel welcome and valued; they were grateful we'd come and they fed us.

Some friends & I have dealt with community organizations over the last year or so and, without fail, we've been made to feel like we make a diference simply by turning up and taking a few photos. Often we don't consider our photos to be our very best work but they are probably better than most people would be able to achieve with your usual "point and shoot" camera.

Obviously, the fact that we volunteer makes us quite attractive. There is, after all, little cash to go around in the not-for-profit sector.

Nevertheless, I can't shake the feeling that they'd be this enthusiastic if they were paying for our services. It's about valuing people and their contibution, and about feeling like you've made a difference no matter how small the thing is you've done.

Do I get that at work? Not often, no.

Is it my boss's fault? No. He's one of the best people I've worked for.

I know they can cope without me, they showed that admirably when I was off work for seven weeks.

It's probably from a little higher up and driven from the beahviour of our customers. They expect more from us than they ever have before, and they expect to pay less. There's less time available for the niceties of life.

It's hard to criticise when most of us buy on price.

Nevertheless, business has definitely become progressively more soulless in the twenty-six years I've worked in the industry.

Could I afford to not hold onto this job? Not long term, no.

I like to think I'm pretty good at what I do but I can't really deny that it's not hard graft in the traditional sense. I'm reasonably well paid and I have decent enough conditions.

So, for me, it's a good balance of return for effort.

You know what, though? If I had to work a little harder in return for a little less pay but I felt like I was making even half the difference that I felt I might be on Wednesday then it would be worth it.

A little while ago I toyed with the idea of flinging the job in and going and doing photography for the Not for Profit Sector.

It would have required me to put some of my savings aside to pay the bills whilst I tried to persuade people they'd want to part with folding money for what I had to offer. I'm lucky inasmuch as I have savings that I could use in that way.

It was just before the bottom fell out of the FTSE and what little money the NfPs had got squeezed even more.

Various things stopped me at the time and it hadn't occurred to me again until this morning.

So will I do it?

I dunno.

If I have many more meetings with people who love what they do and think it's important to make you feel valued...and many more days at work when I wonder why do I f*****g bother then it's entirely possible I'll make the leap.

I think the trick may be to not look down.