The long and winding road

Anyone who tells you that grief has five stages and implies they apply to everyone is at best naive and at worst, lying.

At least, that's my experience.

So, at exactly two years since I came home from work to find myself single again all of a sudden, I find myself taking stock.



Stage 1
Denial. Yep, I had that. It lasted approximately 90 seconds.

Stage 2
Anger. Yep. I had that almost immediately after the denial. It lasted for a few days having seen what all our friends and family (let alone I) were going through

Stage 3
Bargaining
Here's where it gets sticky for me.
Bargaining with whom? and to what end? Nothing could have changed the facts
So strike stage 3 for me.

Stage 4
Depression
If I can extend that to mean "very sad" or "down" then, OK, I'll tick that.

But wait...here comes the anger again...

Stage 5
Acceptance
Yep. Very quickly, in fact...maybe after a couple of weeks.

But oh-0h Depression's back, and following hot the heels of that is Anger again.

Oh...and guilt isn't mentioned anywhere in the model and I had (and have) oodles of that sometimes.

I've no real idea how other people handle their bereavement but for me implying there's a "right way" or a "normal way" to handle it isn't terribly helpful.

I was, and am, very lucky indeed. Not only did I have a great family and friend network, but I pretty quickly found myself with a whole load of new friends who deal with the facts in a grown up, fairly matter of fact, way because they know that generally works best for me.

From the Brother outlaw who encouraged me to join Flickr and share photos with him and others to improve my photography, to the neighbours who watched out for me every step of the way and did some gruelling jobs at a time when I simply couldn't function.

From someone who didn't freak out when I felt the need to tell him, even before we actually met for lunch the first time and then went on to give me some insight and told me not to blame myself to "the boys" who are always at the end of a text or email to make sure I'm OK.

All those people, and many more, are helping me to get to a new normality in my life.

But I'm still not fully at acceptance, am I?

Finding one of his jumpers that I'd forgotten I kept as I stow my laundry can still completely undo me.

The inability to reach something in a cupboard, or to change the washer on a dripping tap can send me into a rage with him...that was his job, after all.

Then seeing the daffs in garden can make me yearn for spring Saturdays when along with the bread from the baker's, a couple of bunches of daffodils would invariably be handed to me.

Am I abnormal or special in my seeming cycling of "stages"?

As much as I might like to think so, I very much doubt it.

I would imagine it's a fairly typical reaction to a severe trauma and sudden loss of a much loved one.

So let's be allowed to grieve in our own way, without following a flowchart, eh?

If you're bereaved and having trouble getting through the various prescribed stages - relax, you're not abnormal if you don't follow the pattern...get through it all the best way you can.

One platitude that does work for me, strangely enough, is the one about time being a great healer. The wounds are there but they seem to get less painful over time.

And to anyone who recognises themselves in my descriptions of people who have made my life worth getting up for, then I thank you from the bottom of my heart...you rock!


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